My Love is Too...

Once in a while, when you least expect it, there comes something that changes your way of thinking. Something that takes the way you look at things and transforms it completely. For me it came in the shape of a little poetry book called "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf", by Ntozake Shange. It is a choropoem meant to be not only read but interpreted in theater. It consists of 21 poems, all narrated by one or several black women. 

Picture of the play "For Colored Girls..."

These poems talk about themes such as racism, sexism, abortion, abandonment, infidelity, aids, domestic violence, self love, sexuality, and the divinity that lives inside of us. The poems are narrated by seven women, all of them identified only by color, not by name. These are the lady in blue, lady in green, lady in brown, lady in purple, lady in red, lady in yellow, and lady in orange. Even though the poems are especially written for women, I decided to give them a chance. I didn't know what I would find, but in that uncertainty, I found... beauty, joy, words that seemed to understand me and everything I have been going through. I found a new way to look at myself. 

Part of looking at myself in a new light involved not only what I found in this book, and what I found inside of me. It was also about how I expressed myself, how I made my exterior world reflect what was developing on the inside. I decided I wanted my house to reflect me, my identity, the subtle but significant changes that were happening to me. My house would no longer reflect other people, relatives who no longer live with me; my house would become my sanctuary and safe space. 

To make my house look more like the person I was becoming, I decided I would paint phrases that would comfort me when I needed it the most. Feeling lonely most of the time can be hard to say the least, so these phrases would remind me of: who I am, what I want, what I deserve, and what I would never allow anyone to do to me ever again. Therefore, I took some of my favorite verses from "For Colored Girls...", the ones that spoke to me the most. 

Play "For Colored Girls..."

One of my many flaws is that I can be quite unkind and even cruel with myself, and I can sometimes give my love to people who don't deserve it or don't know what to do with it. In this process, I often forgot that my love is not something trifle or unimportant, and that loving myself might be difficult but it's one of my most important tasks. 

Considering this, I took the verses from the poem "No More Love Poems #4". I bought some acrylic paint and wrote each of these verses in several walls of my house, using the color of the lady reciting them. I watch these verses everyday, and they make me feel so warm and comforted. I remind myself everyday through these verses that I am enough, that I am art even if there is no one to appreciate it. 

These verses are: 

My love is too DELICATE to have thrown back on my face: 

I often pretend I am tougher than I really am. I can be cold, distant... I forget that my love is a delicate thing. It's not wrong to be vulnerable, and to harden myself too much would be the end of such love. I must protect my love of course, because it's delicate, but not so delicate that it can't come outside and show itself to the world. 

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare
and beautiful of all."
-Mulan

My love is too BEAUTIFUL to have thrown back on my face: 

My love is not something to be thrown to the curve. It isn't something to be forgotten, cast way like an old, ugly piece of furniture. My love is beautiful! My love is pure beauty, and it should be treated as such. My love is a precious jewel of high quality- period. Beauty of course is relative, but for me my love will always be precious. 

Enough said. 

My love is too SANCTIFIED to have thrown back on my face: 

Long have I sought for what was missing in me, always thinking it was another person I should be looking for. It was only recently that I realized I don't have to look anywhere else, since I am the one I have been looking for. I have a divinity inside of me, full of power and grace. My love is sanctified, my love is pure because I found it in myself. 

My love is too MAGIC to have thrown back on my face: 

Often I am rejected or looked down upon for the things that make me who I am. My love for books, my passion for music, my need for a deeper connection, my goals in life... these and many more things are the ones that make me the person I am. I am not hiding who I am anymore: my quirkiness, my eccentricity, my passion, my magic. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it, or be able to appreciate it. 

My love is too SATURDAY NIGHT to have thrown back on my face: 

My body is not something I am ashamed of anymore. I still crave a gentle and loving touch, a caring whisper at night, words full of love, and sometimes yes- a little bit of action and fun. My love involves my sexuality, the infinite experience of fulfillment and physical joy. Enjoying my body and sexuality is not wrong; my love can come with pleasure, and there is no shame in that. 

My love is too COMPLICATED to have thrown back on my face: 

I will not be silent about the things that bother me. I will never again be the victim to someone else's twisted idea of love. If speaking my mind makes me complicated, then so be it. My voice belongs to me only, and my life as well. Sometimes I want to be accompanied, and other times alone. Sometimes I want things to stay the way they are, and sometimes I just want to burn the world to the ground. I'm scared but I'm brave. I'm strong but at times I feel weak. Some days I feel I can take on the world, and others I just want to hide away. My storm is not something that can be tamed, only understood. 

My love is too MUSIC to have thrown back on my face: 

Many times I have expressed my feelings through songs. They allow me to transmit my ideas in a better way. I have found myself in songs, I have related to their messages, and they have brought me comfort more times than I can count. My love is full of music; sometimes it's sad, others calm, or angry, melancholic, joyful, or romantic. This love of mine only moves to the rhythm of my own music, not anyone else's. 

This house project of mine is not finished. I still have many other verses to write, verses that inspire me and remind me of the importance of self love. Verses that remind me there's more inside of me than what people can perceive, that there is so much more I can give. To summarize, these words send me a daily, constant message: as long as you have yourself to count on, there's nothing in this world that can stop you. 

Even if poetry is not your favorite genre, I highly recommend you give "For Colored Girls..." a try. The messages presented in these poems are so much more than the ones I wrote about. You might even find something soothing for your soul, something that appeals to you personally. Whatever it is you find here, I hope it brings you as much joy as it brought to me. Thank you Ntozake Shange for everything you did for us all through your beautiful words; you'll never be forgotten. 

Ntozake Shange. 
Such a beautiful soul. 

P.S Damn, my house looks pretty!