These past few weeks, I've been having the same thought over and over: how is Christmas going to be like this year? Will it be terribly sad, or will we be able to adapt? Families won't be able to come together for Christmas as they used to, nor will friends- at least not the responsible ones. Will the virus go through a new phase? Considering that a lot of people are fed up with it and will probably meet in large groups, this seems likely. So, I wonder: what is there to expect from Christmas 2020?
I know of a lot of people who are expecting nothing good from this Christmas. Many think it will be just plain sad and depressing, since they won't be seeing their families. Others think that considering all that has happened this year, there's nothing to celebrate for, that there's nothing good awaiting for us on Christmas. I can't say I blame them.
From a personal point of view, I wasn't looking forward celebrating the holiday this year. What for, I used to ask. My job has been taking a serious toll on my mental health, to the point where I'm considering going back to my psychologist. I feel my depression growing worse by the day, and I might be developing anxiety. My mom has been very supportive every day, but other relatives have been exhausting to deal with. My classes have been extremely hard, and I'm talking about the courses I'm studying; my time to rest and disconnect has been cut terribly short, my assignments are getting longer and harder, and I'm not getting enough sleep. My house has been running through a lot of problems, I'm struggling with some finances, and everything just seems to be getting out of my control- and that is terrifying for me.
I was really looking forward to something I could hold on to. Something that I could grasp and I wouldn't feel as if I was drowning by the second. During this process, I did find some things that helped: I read my books little by little, because now I don't have as much time as I used to before; I started trying new things such as television series I never saw before, such as "Supergirl", "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Titans", "The Boys" and "True Blood"; I've kept in touch with my three friends, sharing our tears, frustrations, struggles and the little hope we have left; and I've grown a little closer to my mom, because she's my rock and the one who holds me (sometimes literally) when my whole world is coming to pieces.
To summarize it, it hasn't been easy finding a little spark day by day. But then November arrived, and I saw all the Christmas decorations everywhere. Something sparked inside me then; I didn't know what it was then, but now I know it was related to Christmas.
I started planning something. I wanted to decorate my house this year, as I have never decorated it before. Nothing too fancy or extravagant, just something that felt nice and comfortable for me. I started looking more seriously at my expenses, so I could save some money for what I was planning. Just the idea of buying my own things for my house felt incredibly exciting. I got a small Christmas tree, some decorations (of which there will be more later), and a stuffed Grinch which I love to pieces. Today I'm actually planning on setting up the tree, which I admit makes me very happy.
So, what is it with Christmas and this tiny spark rising inside of me? It could be the pretty lights and beautiful decorations. Maybe it's about the joyful music all around me. Perhaps it's about the gifts, but not really; I don't care much about presents for myself. No... I think this spark is just for the pure joy of Christmas itself, and the promise of happiness that comes with it. The idea that everything will turn out alright, no matter what.
Christmas is about joy, peace, happiness, sharing and being grateful for our lives and every small blessing we have. Even though most things in this year have been pure trash, I still have some things I am grateful for:
1- My friends, whom I love with my life.
2- My mom, who has been there from the start and is one of the main reasons why I'm still here.
3- The fact that my family and friends have stayed safe from the virus.
4- I am still healthy as well.
5- I have found ways to increase my self esteem, little by little.
6- Despite how hard it has been, I am still here. I am still breathing. I haven't done anything to harm myself in any way.
7- I have learned and discovered new things, which is amazing for me because I love to learn.
8- I am looking for smarter ways to handle my finances.
9- I got some new books! Yay!!!
10- I am alive.
Being grateful every day is something new to me. I'm more used to complaining and sulking, which I'm not proud of but it's the truth. But I'm trying a new perspective now, and I think it suits me.
Back to my main point though, Christmas this year is going to be hard on us all. Everyone will be going through it in different ways, but it will certainly be difficult. Does that mean it will all be bad? I don't think so.
Today, while I put up my tree and decorate it, while I sing (horribly) to my Christmas music playlist, I'll be thinking of everything that Christmas brings, everything that it promises. We might not be able to be physically with everyone we love this year, and that hurts a lot, but that doesn't mean that same love is not present.
Speaking of love, I think it comes wrapped in many ways. Yesterday, I met with two of my best friends again. One of them I haven't seen since December 2019, and it felt like a full life had passed for how much I missed her. I know we shouldn't have, but that hug we shared was inevitable. Breathing suddenly became easier, smiles came more naturally, and some other sparks ignited in me. I didn't know just how I missed her till I saw her. She was my first real friend, and thanks to her I met my two other friends. I am eternally grateful for yesterday; I got to see her, hear her laugh again, share our day like we used to, and be happy together. We talk every single day, no exceptions, but I did need to see her. It's the first time since we met that we have spent so much time apart. So, if she's reading this, please know that I love you with every part of my soul, that I missed you terribly, and that I'm grateful for you every day.
I missed days like yesterday. I missed us, the three of us. I missed that love, that happiness. The three of us together felt right, perfect, as if time had never passed. I know that no matter what happens now, no matter the difficulties the three of us might go throw, we'll always stick together. Distance and time is nothing for people who love each other.
Love, no matter how it comes, will always be stronger than hate. Hope will always be stronger than fear. Yes, I am terribly afraid of everything that is to come; the future isn't written in stone, and this year is not over yet. And who knows what might happen in 2021... Today though, I choose to focus on the blessings I have. Today I choose to feel hopeful despite the circumstances. Today I choose light over darkness once again. With friends who love me by my side, my faithful cats, my books, my mom and a Christmas tree, this holiday season won't be as depressing as I thought it would be.
This Christmas, be grateful for what have and you don't. Love deeply, no matter what, and remember the true meaning of this holiday. Take care of yourself, and be gentle with your own process; your mental health is important, now more than ever. Take deep breaths and take time for yourself, it's important and it's going to help you- believe me, it will. I hope this Christmas is gentle for you, and that you may find happiness in whatever form it comes.
Have you ever struggled to find your house keys? Have you grown desperate with the search because you can't find those damn keys anywhere? Have you then realized you had them in your hands all along? Well... the same thing happens often with happiness.
Sending everyone a huge hug, and may the holidays begin!
P.S. I'm a cold hearted b**** when I want to be, so don't be fooled by all this loving thing.
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