Journey to the Past

Welcome back readers! For this Sunday's post, I will go into a personal reflection, based on my experiences during this weekend. To introduce this very quickly, I was having a very hard week. I began studying again, preparing to be a Montessori teacher, and let's just say this week made me cry more than once. I've had anxiety attacks, existential crisis and many moments of self-doubt. To make it short, I was being kicked in the butt.  

Someday I'll sleep again. 

On Friday, I received a message from a family group chat I'm in, reminding everyone of the small get-together they would be having on Saturday. 

I was very hesitant to go, since I hadn't seen this part of my family around 12 or 13 years (give or take a few). But a part of me yearned for it. I can't explain it, but I felt a deep ache, a need to go. Blood calls for blood I guess. So, I got in my car and drove to their hometown, which is not as far from mine as I originally thought. I was so nervous; I couldn't stop shaking when I arrived and parked. I didn't know if they would recognize me, if they would accept me. After all, the last time I had being with them I was no older than 11. But then I saw them... and every bad feeling and doubt went away. 

I've always related to Anastasia. 
Now more than ever. 

Going a little backwards, I used to stay with them for several days when I was a kid. They would come to my hometown and take me with them for weekends or a whole week. Those were the happiest days of my childhood. Every moment with them felt like an adventure. I was lighter than air, the sun shone brighter, the laughs were louder, and life was sweeter. I remember wishing those days would never end. I was away from school and my bullies, which was perfect. Plus, all of them were always so kind and caring. I've never found such kindness, love and passion for life anywhere else.  

Don't get me wrong, I loved my family back at home too, especially and mostly my mother. But I was never close with this side of my family. There were too many secrets, coldness, pain and resentment. Everyone was very indifferent, and never close. My mom was my safe place, in many ways; she was an exception to all that coldness. Nevertheless, you can see there was a strong contrast between the two sides of my family. Probably you can understand why I cherished those days I was away so much.

It was a time of innocence. Pure and simple innocence. As long as I was in my uncle's arms, and I heard my aunt laugh, and I spent time with my cousins, I was safe. Nothing and no one could bother me. There were no problems, there was only peace. It was home. 

Then, well... life happened, I guess. Responsibilities took over. We couldn't see each other so frequently anymore. I grew up like all children do. Life got harder, and we drifted apart. Even though we loved each other, we lost that connection for some years. As I grew up, I naturally lost that innocence. I matured, got my heart broken a couple of times, graduated from high school and then college, becoming a teacher; like they say in "Grey's Anatomy", life is a carousel and you can't stop it. 

Now, going back to present day, I met with most of them again. I can say without a doubt that I haven't felt this happy in years. Seeing them together again, laughing, dancing, joking, it was as if I was 10 years old all over again. For those moments I didn't care about the damn virus. I needed those hugs like lungs need air. The first one I saw was my uncle, to whom I am closer than with most relatives. Let me tell you: that hug and that kiss from him made me feel like something on the inside was fixing, something I never realized was broken. After greeting him I saw my aunt, who is the one of the funniest and most lovable people I've ever met. I greeted and hugged my cousins- kind, sweet and fun as ever. In summary, I was home again. 

There were no responsibilities, no pain, no fear, no cares. I lived in the present, without worrying for tomorrow. My heart was bursting out of my chest. I couldn't stop talking to them, hugging them; I needed them so much, I just never realized how so. We talked about our heartbreaks, our jobs, current events, other relatives, and I had an amazing conversation with one of my cousins about books! It was magic; every single second was pure magic. 

How can I describe what it really felt like? How can I explain how my heart felt just by watching them smile? How do I begin to describe how safe I felt in their arms? I felt so... ALIVE, as I haven't felt in years. Needless to say, when the time came for me to go back to my house, it was hard to say the least. As if I was being ripped from them again; I couldn't stop crying the way back home. It was such a bittersweet feeling, ripping me from the inside out. But I know this isn't the end. 

Since now I have my car, I can visit them more often. We're already planning more days to see each other; for that I am eternally grateful and happy. I won't let so much time pass again without seeing them. When my summer classes finish, I sure as hell will go visit again. I hope for a future with them as bright as our past. 

To summarize, I realized some very beautiful things; maybe deep down I knew them, but I needed to hear and experience them. I am more loved than I imagined, I am not alone, and no wound is so deep than it can't be healed with time and support. I also realized how much I missed and loved them, how much I longed for those days; as some people say, you never really know a moment's value until that moment becomes a memory. I just wish my grandfather was still with us so I could see him again as well. 

If one of them ever reads this, remember that I love you, even if I don't always say it. 

With hopes I see you guys again soon, 

Ema.  

PS. Happy father's day! Especially to my uncle, and my stepfather too- that man is really amazing and wonderful.